I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I touched a dick in church today
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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