I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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