You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
