My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
