Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
