You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
