just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
