i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
