Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
It was confusing and full of hummus
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
