what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
