he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
