I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
