McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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