just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
