were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize