You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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