Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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