I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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