She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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