omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
