I just cut my nipple shaving
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
