it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
