dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
