All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Randomize
