I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
