My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
