She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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