if only i could text you this smell
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Let's get the cat blown out
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
