I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Randomize