Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You made out with two different species that night
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
