At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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