If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
