I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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