mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
