I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
