No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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