I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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