do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
