Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
