I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
