My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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