at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize