I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
