He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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