But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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