If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
