So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
