Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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