im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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