I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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