You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize