If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize