Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
If I die, sorry about rent.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
