You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
