If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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