Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
