Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
