Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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