when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
